Many of us find ourselves in uncharted waters when a friend loses a loved one. Not sure what to say or what to do? How do we comfort our friend in this time of emotional life change? After 30 years of working in mental health, I have some suggestions that may be beneficial in this situation.
I remember in my early 20s, while acting as a crisis counselor, with good intentions, I would often try to explain the grief process to my clients. What I didn’t understand at the time is that they didn’t need an explanation, they needed support. Being young and inexperienced, I didn’t know the difference. And just the other night, I was listening to a new client tell me her story of losing her husband recently. When I got off the phone, I had some introspection about the conversation and how it was so different from years ago.
In my early 20s, I began teaching and training people entering the helping profession. One of the biggest things I see is people saying things like “I know how you feel” or “I understand.” Again, with good intentions, by saying I know how you feel, we are trying to build rapport and show support. But what I have found is the complete opposite. It’s almost a way to invalidate the sudden loss of your friends’ partner. And while there may come a time when sharing your story of your grieving process is applicable, save it until specifically asked.
I feel that the best communication many times is non-verbal communication. The hug, the hand on the shoulder and direct eye contact say a lot. Nothing affirms your support more than your undivided attention. Be very aware of the non-verbal cues your friend is sending you. If you want to start a dialogue, start by saying that you are sorry for your loss. Then quickly move on to asking open-ended questions about what their needs are. Questions like “Do you need me to make any calls for you?” “Can I make a shopping list and go shopping for you?” and “Do you have any outstanding bills that need to be paid?” These are practical questions that have a dual purpose. First, you are making them talk. Although they can often be discouraged at first, this often opens the door to how they feel. Second, routines are often disrupted by the loss of a loved one, and you want to make sure their needs are met.
I have had clients in the past {especially my older clients} who had no idea which invoices had been paid or when they were due. Their spouse had taken care of them and as a result we were left struggling trying to maintain certain public services. It is important to be practical and see the big picture when it comes to sudden loss of life.
Objective to return to communication. Listening will be your greatest asset {and theirs}. Create a safe space for them to talk. Let them lead the conversation if that’s what needs to be talked about. Many are the times I have sat for hours with a client in silence just showing support by non-verbally affirming that they are not alone. As the days and weeks go by, many people are left out of the loop. When this happens, a weekly phone call or visit is often greatly appreciated. Maybe even get them out of the house and back to regular activities.
There is life long after loss. But it is a process. One that should not be compared, nor explained. It is one you must experienced. The best we can do is give them space and support as they put back the pieces of a life that is now alien to them.