At this time of year we all look for love. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve let a man into my bed with the thought “this is the one.” I bet many of us are guilty of this. I imagine that both men and women have probably thought about this at one time or another, but I will speak here from a woman’s perspective. Most of us don’t like the feeling of a one night stand, especially if we’re the ones invested in the outcome.
There is always one person more interested than the other and someone always goes home feeling rejected. We sit and wait for that call that never comes, going round and round in our minds about “Why? What did I do wrong?” We beat ourselves up over and over for days as we went through stages of grievance. If you are the most invested, it usually goes something like this:
Day 1: Euphoric. We feel good with the other person. We played the night before over and over in our heads and we can’t seem to think of much else. We probably sit and daydream most of the day as a teenager. We fantasize about our next meeting. We wonder when you’ll call, email, or text. So we wonder if we should be the ones to do it first. Who wants to play, after all? But for most women, we tend to wait.
Day 2: Initial stages of fear and doubt. No call, no email, no text. We decided, “Maybe send an email or text. What’s wrong with that?” No response. We wait, we think, we start to beat ourselves up. Once again we play it over and over again in our heads. But this time, we’re looking for that fatal flaw. “What did I do wrong?”
Day 3: Panic. Still no response to your message. We went through several different scenarios in our heads as to why it might not be responding. Maybe your phone has stopped working, or maybe you’re out of town and there’s no service, or maybe you’re just too busy and will call later. Maybe he’s testing me! We make up all kinds of crazy excuses.
Day 4: Anger. “I can’t believe he didn’t text me back. It’s his loss anyway.” We try to keep ourselves busy so we don’t think about him, but it’s hard to resist checking our phone or email every 10 minutes. We rationalize and sometimes even send another message or try to call. This only increases the despair if once again there is no answer!
Day 5-7 Acceptance – Self-doubt – Acceptance. We continue to waver between accepting that there is nothing we can do to change the situation and asking ourselves, “What exactly did I do wrong?” We over analyze everything we did or said and how we looked, or whatever the insecurity is. We’ve all done it! I know I have, and several times. I beat myself up and say I will never let that happen again. But I can’t tell you how many times I DID let it happen. And every time I did, it literally turned my stomach. I felt like I was drowning in a sea of self-loathing, self-pity, and guilt.
I dragged myself on the floor so much that it was hard to get up in the morning. But get up, we must and get on with our lives. We must learn not only to be more insightful, but more importantly, we must learn to love ourselves. Once you know and truly feel love for yourself, then you can never fall prey to these negative emotions again. The most important thing we can do for ourselves is to HONOR OURSELVES. Honor is the key to life. If you live with honor, you can never be dragged into that dark abyss of self-loathing and self-consciousness. Eventually, the hurt, pain, shame, and guilt will begin to fade. It becomes a bad memory. But hopefully we learn from that memory.
5 tips to dispel despair
DECLARATIONS: The key to learning to let go of self-hatred and fear is through consistent affirmations. We’ve heard this over and over again, but I can’t stress enough how important it is to say it out loud and in the mirror every day, multiple times a day. I go so far as to write it down on paper when those old feelings of fear and despair come up. I write and write until that dark cloud finally leaves. If you keep telling yourself “I love and approve of myself” over and over again, you will eventually start to believe it. Honor yourself and your body and you will attract honorable people who want more than just a one night stand.
PHYSICAL STRESS RELIEVERS: I like to run. It’s so purifying to go out and clear my mind. Try running without music so that you are present in your head. I can’t tell you how therapeutic it is. It’s what got me through my divorce. Some people think it exercises the body, I think it exercises the soul. Do whatever is a good release for you. It could be playing the piano, gardening, or singing at the top of your lungs in the car. Go ahead and do it and release some of that negative energy. You could even try to get a ball to squeeze. You can go so far as to write down what you want to release, close your eyes and squeeze that ball with all your might sending all of your negative energy into it and when you’re done send the ball flying across the room or out into the yard. The physical aspect of letting go of the ball will help you release your anger or tension. There are many mind games you can play with yourself. Do what works for you.
MEDITATION: This one is great! Make sure you are alone and in a quiet space indoors or outdoors. I love going to the sea and listening to the waves crashing. For me, the ocean is the most enriching and vitalizing energy. The sound of the wind and waves and the smell of the sea air help me go deeper into my head and quiet the chatter. But again, do what works for you. There are many guided meditations you can find online that are great for helping you calm your mind. Try to practice this every day if you can. Even if it’s only for 10 or 15 minutes a day. I can’t tell you how wonderful and energized you’ll feel when you’re done.
DAILY: I love writing my thoughts. Somehow he takes it away from me so it doesn’t continue to rot in my head. If you’re afraid someone will read it, burn it or shred it when you’re done. It might also encourage you to write a letter to the person you are focusing on. It is important to release your anger. Write a letter and rant. Say all the things you want and need to say. When you’re done, burn it! In fact. It is very liberating to do this and it helps to bring closure to the situation. DO NOT SEND IT. If you do, you will most likely regret it the next day!
PROFESSIONAL THERAPY: Go talk to someone who is impartial. Your best friend can be a good shoulder to cry on, but 9 times out of 10 they will tell you what you want to hear. If this doesn’t resonate with you then try a seminar. There are many organizations that can help you reach your goals. From financial freedom and wealth to health and self-awareness.