What we learned in kindergarten
In preschool, where a large part of the curriculum revolves around sociability, you can hear the specifics of social behavior woven through daily dialogue. Listen to the teacher: “Sit in your spot and put your hands in your lap. Wait until it’s your turn to speak. Raise your hand to say something.” Follow the schedule: “Time to stop what you’re doing. Pick up the toys. Put them neatly in their places on the shelf. Then sit quietly on the rug.” There you have the clearly articulated, easy-to-visualize microsteps that teach preschoolers to socialize, organize and ‘behave’ in a group setting. Then, as academics move to the forefront of classroom priorities, the social curriculum fades away.
For our defiant loved ones, who continue to need to hear the information embedded in those micro steps, school is a bewildering and hostile place. The student with Asperger’s Syndrome who loves to be the fact finder for a science project is unaware of the ‘give and take’ required in a cooperative learning group. Because she comes across as bossy and inflexible, her peers ignore her, exclude her from group membership, and she has lost the joy of learning. The intelligent and active child with ADHD has no strategies to contain his impulses and channel his abundant energy into his school work, so he wanders on the periphery of the learning action, even though he would really love to be center stage with his talents. .
Along with their ‘challenging’ characteristics, each of our challenging loved ones has their own unique and often very charming set of strengths, talents and interests, which they long to share with others in some way. However, their behaviors tend to send a different, contradictory and self-sabotaging message. SheYou may be focused solely on one concern or your perfectionism. Hey You may be an entrenched avoider, a self-proclaimed boss, or a full-time worrier, or perhaps you don’t seem to care at all about the consequences of your choices. His super-sensitivity to touch or sound can invite alienation. Middle and high school kids are labeled ‘losers’ because they are seen wandering awkwardly, lost in the hallways of their own schools.
These are examples of kids who are closed in on themselves, their faces glued to windows looking out into the social world of their peers, to whom everything seems to go effortlessly. Your peers know how to fit in, and your reward is acceptance. And these defiant children grow up to be adults who are also wandering, lost in relationships, work environments and their social community. They are trapped in a confusing and isolated place, mostly misunderstood, misread, mysteries to themselves and others. And what they are really communicating through their behavior is how difficult it is to adapt to the world around them.
The hidden curriculum
What stands between those in action and those stuck on the inside looking out? It has come to be known as the ‘hidden curriculum’. They need constant education and specific skill training through those micro steps because it’s not automatic for them to ‘get’ what’s going on and then find out ‘what happened’ or ‘learn their lessons’ by playing unfairly or breaking promises, or ‘ hogging the scene. In his book It’s So Much Work to Be Your Friend, Richard Lavoie, MAMEd., discusses how each school has its own individual culture, which determines the details of the hidden curriculum and therefore what it takes to be’ inside’. He says, “Your son’s academic skills are tested every few days, but his social interactions are ‘tested’ and evaluated hundreds of times a day.”
For our defiant loved ones who may have a diagnosis of ADHD, high-functioning autism, or Asperger’s Syndrome or other behavioral challenges, the rules of social acceptance are invisible…until they have the opportunity to learn the micro steps. .
What is a Micro Step?
‘Microsteps’ are the tiniest steps of instruction that provide the most specific and direct information to help your challenging loved one learn how to be social or get work done. Microsteps are the missing ingredients that lie between what parents and teachers already know about behavior change and what remains to be inserted into your behavior change or social skills development program. Identifying those essential micro steps can be a very challenging puzzle. Microskill development is a creative and systematic process in which small batches of skills are woven together, with the incredibly wonderful payoff of teaching our challenging loved ones to navigate life independently, adequately, and happily.
Broad Stroke Skill Sets
The following are some of the broader groups of skills that are broken down into microsteps that are key to school and social success:
- self awareness and self reflection
- friendship building
- public adequacy
- nonverbal cues and emotional messages
- consideration: give and take
- choice and decision making
- mood tools and calming strategies
- putting personal strengths and interests to work
- disappointment and resilience
- deal with rejection and bullying
And these are some of the ingredients that put the ‘Art’ in a behavior change program: goals, rules, feelings, rewards, feedback, motivation, structure, natural consequences, feelings of safety and belonging and more…
Exercise: The question of a week
This is the first step in creating a social resume: Dig into your challenging loved one’s life experiences.
Spend an entire week focusing on what you see, feel, and hear related to one question from the list below. Keep ‘tea’ question tucked into the front of his brain, as he goes through regular weekend routines into weekend activities. Observe in silence. Collect the puzzle pieces. Be curious. Wait patiently for opportunities to gather information. Reflect on what is really happening. Make notes. Remember that these are not solution questions. We have not arrived yet… now the questions:
- What are the biggest obstacles your defiant loved one encounters on a daily basis?
- If necessary, could you accurately describe what the world is like through the eyes of your defiant loved one? Explore this.
- When the day has gone surprisingly well, can you spot any patterns or differences that might explain the improvement? [and tougher] times?
The answers you get will sharpen your understanding of what is really going on. That knowledge will help you define the micro steps and be on your way to artistically customize and individualize a successful behavior program for your challenging loved one.
Copyright Ellen Mossman-Glazer 2005. All rights reserved. You are welcome to share or reprint this article, as long as it remains as written with all copyright and contact information included along with a link to http://artofbehaviorchange.com This content is training and education and is not intended to replace the psychological services. , when advisable and appropriate.