I get a lot of emails from wives wondering if now is the time to “let go of my husband.” Many have tried everything they can think of to save the marriage, but their attempts only annoy their husbands more and drive him further apart. And many of them tell me that their husbands have made it very clear that they are done with the marriage. It may seem like the obvious answer is to give up, but letting go is not an easy process for these women because they suspect in their hearts that if they could just find the right tack, they just might have a chance. They know they have enough love on both sides and suspect that if they could catch a break, they might get a little foothold to propel them forward.
Some of these suspicions are correct as I have seen things in this situation change over and over again but often a change of plan is needed and you need to be able to convince your husband that your new plan is genuine and not just intended to trick him into seeing things his way. I will explain this more in the next article.
Why the things you’ve tried probably haven’t helped him change his mind that much: Most of the women who write to me in the scenario above have told me that they have “tried everything to save the marriage” but nothing has worked. Often when I ask what things they have tried, I get answers that list many plans that are sure to provoke negative feelings (anger, guilt, jealousy, shame, fear, etc.) in their husbands. Now, women don’t want it to be like that. This is not your intention. But when they’re arguing and debating or following you around or telling you that you’re breaking up a family because of your own selfishness, you’re actually engaging in behaviors that are going to get you more or less the opposite of what you really want.
And I realize that they are trying everything they can think of because they want to cover all their bases. They are trying to throw a number of things at the target in the hope that one thing will stick. I get it because it’s exactly what I did, but it backfired miserably for me too.
Also, I must tell you that most men comment on my blog that the reason they have “lost all feelings” for their wives is because they have simply become numb in response to the fact that nothing ever changes. In their minds, it has become abundantly clear that even if they were to stay and give it their all, they would only be wasting time and prolonging the inevitable. They believe that everything has been tried and that they both gave their best, but they definitely fell short, for whatever reason. And their perception is that it is better for them to be without you than to be with you. Of course, your job is to show them (you can’t tell them because they are beyond believing you) that this perception is wrong. It won’t happen overnight, but it can be done.
Let it go temporarily to recover it in the long term: If you asked me the question “should I let it go?” and you were expecting a very literal answer, I would have to say yes, you should, but only on the surface. Remember when I talked about drastically changing tactics because you have to change perception? Well, now is the time for that to come into play. Because she needs drastic tactics here and she has to encourage her husband to think that she won’t get more of the same.
So, to begin with, sit him down and tell him that you, too, are very tired and bummed out about the way things have been going. You agree that the relationship isn’t even close to what it used to be and, as it stands, it can’t be satisfying for either of you. Tell him that you are no longer going to try to force him, blame him, or try to change his mind, as this type of play disrespects both of you. Make it clear that you realize you can’t control what he feels or wants. However, you can control your actions and reactions and from this point on, you will act in a way that allows both of you to be happy because eventually you would hope that you could part ways with a strong and healthy relationship. in fact, it doesn’t matter how this ends.
You may be reading this and think I’m asking you to throw in the towel. I promise you I’m not. But, the dialogue I just demonstrated is necessary. You’re telling her that she’s not going to get more of the same. He is setting the stage to rebuild the relationship, but because of the way he has phrased it, he doesn’t feel threatened or defensive. Because of this, over time, you’ll likely find him listening a little more and avoiding you a little less.
Posture that you are letting go for the good of the marriage: You and I both know that I’m not going to tell you to give up your record and everything you’ve worked for and just let him walk out the door with no answer. However, his answer will be known only to you. You’re going to let him think that you’re allowing him to move on and you’re doing the same thing because it’s the healthiest thing for you right now.
Therefore, she must remain inconspicuous and act like a woman who manages to the best of her ability. You should go out with your friends and engage in behaviors that encourage you and support your well-being. Do what makes you happy and brings you joy and make sure he knows you’re doing it. Often over time, when he sees you acting in a way that is completely contradictory to what he expected, he will become quite curious. He may contact you or arrange to come closer so he can get a better look. When this happens, there begins to be a gradual change. However, once this begins, resist the urge to revert to old behaviors or engage in any attachments. You should still continue and you should move very slowly.
The key is to take small baby steps where you begin to rebuild a positive relationship. Notice I didn’t say positive marital relationship. This will come, but you cannot pass it by. You want to allow him to initiate some of the contact, and over time, through shared positive experiences where you can laugh and lighten things up, you want to make it obvious that his perception was wrong, that the two of you are compatible and can interact. in positive ways so that things may very well change dramatically.