I firmly believe that a separation does not have to be the end of your marriage. In fact, I think a separation that allows time and distance to work for the marriage can make both people more committed to staying together and more determined to make things work. The reason for the change of heart often lies in the fact that the distance allows both people to see how much they care and miss the other person. This makes them realize that they don’t want to be without their spouse and they don’t want to be alone.
Many people who contact me are very understanding that their spouse needs to end up missing them during the separation. They know that this is a very important piece of the puzzle. But they are not sure what is the best way to achieve this. I often hear comments like, “My husband is the one who wanted the separation. He initiated it. I didn’t want to but I agreed because it seemed like my only option other than divorce. I know it’s important that he misses me.” while we’re apart, but it doesn’t seem to. Every time I call him, he seems to be busy. Every time I try to see him face to face, he ignores me. he misses me, he doesn’t give me a straight answer or say something like ‘a little’. “It’s hard to have any hope when he answers me like this. Am I doing something wrong? I try not to bother him so much, but if I wait for him to contact me, I’m afraid he never will.”
In the next article, I will offer some tips to encourage your husband to miss you during the separation so that hopefully this leads him to want to get back together with you too.
Understand that this process sometimes requires patience. At first, you may just feel your way and have not yet processed how you really feel: A common problem I see is that there is a real tendency to be so uncomfortable and worried while he is away that you want to communicate quickly. You are looking for validation or some good signs to make you feel better.
But what you may not realize at the time is that spouses who initiate a separation often intend to take their time during the separation. Many tell me that they asked for the separation because they wanted to see how they would feel on another stage. They wanted time to process their feelings without having to talk to you while they were doing it. So sometimes when you start asking her how much she misses you, she’ll actually pull away even more because she feels like you’re rushing her.
Often, you have not yet reached the point where you have given much thought to your feelings. She’s just trying to adjust to this day to day, and then slowly you’ll start to see how she feels. But if she pushes, then it’s more likely that she won’t get the answer she wants.
Understand what it takes for a man to miss a woman during a breakup: Many women feel that they have to control every aspect of their husband’s life while he is away. They know they are going too far, but fear takes over and they just can’t help it. Because they worry that if they back off and he has too much fun, he meets someone else or decides that he really is happy and content on his own, then letting him go even a little bit would have been a huge mistake.
I understand this. I’ve been through this process myself and made many similar mistakes. But I finally realized that forcing the problem wasn’t going to make what I wanted any more likely. The fact that it kept coming and going with too much force couldn’t assure me that none of my fears were going to come to pass. In fact, they were making my husband see me in a more negative light. But backing off at least gave me a chance for him to see me in a more positive light.
And this truly is his whole goal. You want him to come to a place where he has a quiet moment to himself, reflects on you, and decides that there really were some good times that might be possible to recapture. Without fights, insecurities and conflicts being a constant presence, he may think of you with a positive reaction instead of a negative one.
That’s why it’s so important that if you suspect what you’re doing is causing these negative reactions, you should consider changing your strategy and see if there’s a change in their appearance or reaction.
Use moderation when approaching your husband. And, for every contact you initiate, try to force yourself to wait until he does the next one: If you’re the only one making all the communication attempts, things will feel one-sided for both you and your husband. That’s why I recommend backing off when you feel some resistance. And you probably know your husband well enough to know when this is happening.
I think that, as difficult as it is, it is better to contact him too little than too much. If it’s very little, chances are he’s contacting you because he’s wondering why he hasn’t heard from you. If you decide to contact him or “just” bump into him, then use restraint when this happens. You might feel like talking and talking and confessing how much you miss him and don’t want to be without him. But try to force yourself not to come to this.
Because the idea really is to leave him wanting more. You want every encounter to end well so that it leads to another. And, when you’re the one initiating contact for the first time, it’s always best to let him make the next move. Or at least wait until enough time has passed between encounters. Desperation is easy to spot and usually doesn’t inspire him to come back to you. It just inspires him to avoid you.
If you can’t make this face-to-face contact right now, consider keeping things light and short with technology (like text, Facebook, etc. 🙂 Some women contact me and tell me that although they understand these principles, they have a hard time understanding them in real life. I often ask them to tell me things like “I want to play it cool. I’ll psych myself up and try to play it very casual, but the second I see it, I cry, I get emotional, and the template is over.” He can take a look at me and know exactly how I feel.”
If this is the situation you find yourself in, you may want to consider trying to use technology: text messages, emails, Facebook messages, etc. This way, they won’t be able to see or hear you. Your words can come across as very casual, flirty, and playful, even if your emotions are anything but. I literally had to get out of town for a while to force myself to back off a bit. And you know what? This made all the difference.