Donna stood outside in the parking lot in the dark, trying to talk herself into the building. Once at the door, the next step would be to take the stairs to the conference room. The thought of her made his palms sweat and her heart pound. And that? She would have to enter the room to find a room full of strangers who were probably grieving as she was. “What have I gotten myself into?” she asked. “Will I have to speak? What will people think of me? What if I cry?”
Her fears were beginning to outweigh her reasons for joining a grievance group. This raised her anxiety level even higher. She tried to visualize someone else contemplating the same decision, wondering, “Could someone else get out of their car and walk into the room eager for the same experience? Why am I afraid?”
The truth is, for the more than twenty years that we have been facilitating education/support groups, participants have expressed these sentiments both ways. The idea of attending a support group for some people is intimidating. Let me suggest that sharing the experience with someone else who is going through the loss of a loved one far outweighs the burden of thinking that I should be able to handle it on my own.
Here are some basic points to consider when weighing the choice of attending a group. Knowing what to expect can be the comfort you need to join.
1. Grievance groups aren’t just for crying women. Our earlier culture portrayed women as the weeping and grieving family members, while men were supposed to be stoic and keep the family together. Today’s groups are a mix of men and women, young and old, relationships of all kinds, and death situations ranging from sudden to anticipated to traumatic. The complaint has no limits.
2. The dynamics of the grievance groups may differ. We are all individuals with unique expectations. Like most encounters in life, something has to “click” for you to feel comfortable with someone you’re meeting and sharing personal information with. How many times have you changed doctors, teachers at school, neighbors or friends just because they didn’t fit? Try it with your group and if it doesn’t work, find another option.
3. Not all complaint groups are the same. Consider the type of group you join. Some are educational, some are faith based, some are sharing groups. There are also host groups that you go to when you feel like it. Or there are open groups that usually meet once a month and the participants change frequently. Closed groups typically run for a set number of weeks, with participants attending consecutive weeks.
4. Grievance groups are not formal therapy or professional counseling sessions. They are a collection of individuals facing a similar experience. It is a place to find solace when someone else’s experience is similar to your own. The groups are a place to share and support, but not to get professional advice on how to deal with the specifics of your loss or other issues resulting from the loss.
5. You may not be “prepared” to attend a grievance support group. If it’s too early in your complaint, the thought of sharing feelings can be overwhelming. You may also be looking for instant validation that complaints get easier, and the truth is that it takes time. There are no quick fixes. You know yourself better. Some people are ready in weeks, for others it may be months or years before they are ready to accept the loss and move on.
6. Grievance groups are not just a place to vent your sadness, your uncertainty, your fears, and your should, could, and might thoughts. It’s a place to learn how to replace these insecurities with action plans to help you get through your toughest times.
7. Grievance groups allow you to express your regrets and acknowledge outbursts of anger and guilt. After all, these are the real ones. You are protesting how the loss has changed your life. These often hidden grievance emotions can be uncovered and neutralized with positive grievance work.
8. Grievance groups will not take away all your pain or grievance. They are meant to help him through the tough days and give him coping skills to handle losing her until he learns to live with her. You can live with it when you understand it; and does not consume every waking moment.
9. Grievance groups are a place for stories and memories. After all, it is the positive memories that linger long after the pain of grief. They are the memories that honor the lives of our loved ones. Although some memories may fade, others will continue to bring you peace and joy!
10. Grievance groups can help you discover options that can enrich your life in the future. Healing your grievance sometimes takes tough decisions, planning ahead, and persistence. No one can “mourn” for you or determine your future path. You will be challenged by changing values and priorities. A group of complaints can help you recognize your options.
11. Complaint groups avoid judgment. As the cliche goes, “You can’t understand someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes.” Complaint groups provide a safe place and avoid comparison. No one can determine that your loss is more significant than another’s.
12. Grievance groups help you understand that family and social relationships are often misunderstood after a death. You may even find fights within the family and your support system may seem to fall apart. Understand the combination of factors that could be the trigger. While the group can’t solve your problems, it can help you gain a new perspective on how to rebuild peace.
13. Grievance groups respect the role of all religions and spirituality in grievances. Some groups base their support on Bible verses, teachings, and comfort. Others recognize that sometimes the grievance challenges one’s faith for a period of time. Groups can offer practical, everyday ways to heal wounded faith. Any group should invite participants to share their beliefs as part of their healing process.
14. Grievance groups offer hope. Grievance groups help rebuild self-esteem, build resilience, and create stability. After a significant loss, you are changed forever. Discovering your new normal and “new you” reveals so many possibilities for future growth and empathy.
15. Ultimately, grievance groups have a different purpose than admitting that loss hurts. It is a place to recognize that you are not alone. It is a place to give away your pain and allow others to absorb their pain along with your own. It is a place to heal.
Don’t let this opportunity pass you by on your complaint journey. We make many decisions in life, and when loss has complicated our everyday existence, we choose to allow others to understand, nurture, and befriend it. Complaint groups need not be scary. they can be the