Sometimes I am so busy with other people’s problems that I neglect the problems that my family experiences from time to time. I guess it’s the proverbial territory where the doctor’s family is sick, the mechanic’s car is broken, and the plumber’s pipes are leaking. A while ago my son came into the kitchen with the kind of unhappy face I only get from my most depressed customers. The therapist, instead of the father in me, intervened and I had to ask: are you happy with who you are my son? As you would expect from a twelve year old, he did not understand the question and thought I was referring to his rights at home. At that age, happiness means getting everything your heart desires, and her response clearly demonstrated her age.
For whatever reason, some people never get past that age when it comes to happiness. If the level of your happiness is related to the degree to which you have what you want, you have not aged beyond twelve either. The degree of happiness that is spread throughout the world has not changed in the last 200 years, and yet most of the things we value in our time did not exist for 75% of that time. Think back to 100 years ago; there were no computers, microwaves, internet, cell phones and most of the things we own today. Most people didn’t have cars, houses with electricity, or any of the basic amenities we know today, and yet they were just as happy, maybe even happier than we are. It is logical that all the things that we value in our days do not bring you happiness. The question is: what makes you happy if those things are not?
Positive Psychology, a relatively new wave in the humanities, asks this very question and found some interesting answers. Martin Seligman, one of the fathers of positive psychology, finds happiness in the pleasant life, the good life, and the meaningful life. In these three he combines two older and opposite points of view; the individualistic vision that focuses on oneself, and the altruistic vision that focuses on the community. A pleasant life is achieved if you enjoy friendship, nature, and bodily needs. The good life is achieved if you discover your unique strengths and use them creatively to enhance your life. The third and final form of happiness comes from meaningful life and is when you use your unique abilities to make your fellow man happy.
If you apply the above to our lives in the gay community, it means that a life in the closet, where you don’t know anyone else, will never reach the last stage of happiness. In fact, you wouldn’t even make it to the second stage. A closet life, even a closet gay life that only operates at the pick-up locations after midnight, can only satisfy the bodily needs and thus achieve the pleasant life. A good life where you celebrate your strengths as a gay person can only happen if you are proud and proud. However, the highest form of happiness can only be achieved if you use your strengths and abilities as a gay person to serve the gay community and ultimately the gay / straight community as a whole.
The strength of positive psychology lies in the fact that it goes beyond mental health to happy life. Psychology has always strived to cure psychological disorders; he concentrated on the disorders. Positive psychology focuses on health and not disease. It teaches how to achieve true happiness and not just how to be well. Many gays are caught up in how to fight for our rights, how to fight homophobia, how to get rid of the disease. Positive psychology shows us a way beyond the struggles for authentic gay happiness.
In short, stop fighting for your individual rights, use your energy to find your unique abilities, and start using them to build our community. I think we haven’t gotten to that point yet and maybe that’s one of the reasons why so many gay people are depressed and unhappy.